The evil lip snarl

Yesterday, against my better judgment, I went to Target.  AND let me just say  that I got out of the store paying less than $100 – although when I got home I realized that I forgot a couple of things.   I went there to buy some underwear and peruse this season’s pickins of shorts.    I bought some underwear – I didn’t leave the store with any shorts. 

A couple of months ago my roommate left a tube of lipstick in her pocket and it went through the wash and dryer.  Her clothes came out of the process unscathed.  My clothes – not so much. An entire load of whites ended up with red blood-like blotches all over them.  So over the past few weeks I’ve been replacing the damaged items.  (19 white t-shirts and about 15 underwears total) 

You’re probably thinking – why the hell does a person need 19 white t-shirts?  Well, for the record, six of them weren’t even mine.  They belonged to my other roommate and somehow ended up in my laundry basket, which in itself is curious because I do my own laundry and I know for a fact that I didn’t take them out of his closet. So I don’t know what they were doing in there – never mind that they were XXL size --- I’m fat, but not that fat.   The other t-shirts were V-neck or crew neck styles and a combination of old and yellow that needed to be retired to the rag basket and brand spanking new, just out of the package. 

As for the underwears – a person can never have enough – in my opinion.  And that's all that really needs to be said about that .....  

I’ve learned a few things about me and buying underwear in the past few years.  About fifteen years ago, I was a full member of the thong club and I vowed I would never wear underwear again.  Then I don’t know what happened – I guess I got older and one day decided that I hated thongs and threw them all away.  Now I wear hipsters and strangely, I like them.   Apparently so do a lot of other people because whenever I go to buy them at Target – they are practically sold out!  

The last time I went to Target, I found these low-rise hipsters made by Hanes that were really comfortable.  So yesterday I went back to get some more – and of course, they were sold out of my size.  Totally ticked me off.  So then, I decided to just buy regular hipsters – which was no easy task in my size for a couple of reasons.  One being that it's a popular size -- and no, its not the XXL size either.  I wear a large.  Then there's the style preference, Target in Dubuque has a whole wall of women’s underwear …. And they are mostly all bikini and granny panties.  Not a lot of hipsters to chose from  --- and it's not because they don't sell them.  The hooks and the display tags are all there, empty. 

Then there’s the color issue.  I’m all for a little color in my life and as you can see there is a lot of color hanging on these walls – but when it comes to underwear, I like things simple.  A plain solid color of undies would be nice.  Not zebra print, or polka dots, or stripes or red hankie print.  

Its underwear – normal everyday underwear that no one is going to see, except maybe the paramedic or emergency room nurse when they cut it off me or in the worst case scenario – the crime scene investigator.  My underwear doesn't color match my bras – or my outfit or anything else.  They’re just plain ole underwear.  My color preference is white -- but in Dubuque, you can only buy all white packs of underwear in two styles:  Bikini and granny panties, neither of which I’m going to be wearing anytime soon.   Bikini’s?  Can you say panty lines?  Granny Panties?  Umm, there’s an X-files episode about that. 

So after searching around for like 20 minutes (way too long for a normal person to be hanging out in the underwear aisle) I finally found one package of the low rise hipsters that I had bought the previous week. One, two item, package.  An injustice in every sense of the word.  Granny Panties come in the mega pack of all white -- but low rise hipsters?  Unless you want fllaming red or green zebra strips, you can only buy a two pack -- of halfway normal colors.  I tossed it in my cart with a disgusted lip snarl on my face.  If I can only buy one 2 item package each time I go, it’s going to take a year to replenish my underwear collection. 

Then, I went to the women’s department to look at shorts – and became equally disgusted. 

I hate buying shorts, but I force myself to go through it every summer. I don’t even like to wear them, but sometimes the temperature forces your hand.  So in that case, I buy the minimum amount that I need to get me through the summer.   Last summer, I bought two pairs of Eddie Bauer Bermuda shorts.  I really liked them – but currently cannot find either pair.  I vaguely remember that I threw one pair out at Christmas. Sort of by mistake, but not willing to retrieve them from the bird-fluff garbage bag after I did it -- never mind that it was below zero at the time -- definitely not short wearing weather -- than would remind me of the value of a good pair of shorts. The other pair is lost somewhere in my closet – probably hanging out right next to my new blue t-shirt that has now disappeared into the black hole. 

So I’m wandering around the WOMEN’S department looking for shorts and I see this on almost every rack:

Seriously!  This is the short of choice this summer?  Hello!  Daisy Dukes!  Popular almost 20 years ago -- and now they’re back?  There were racks and racks of them at Target in the WOMEN’s section. I don’t know about you, but the only people that can realistically fit Daisy Dukes these days are teenyboppers that wear a size two --- so therefore, they should be in the juniors section – not plastered all over the WOMEN’S section so us fatties can get a complex about it.  Okay, maybe I could fit them -- because I did look and they did have my size – but I wouldn’t have been comfortable in them….I wouldn't have dared left the house wearing them because I'm certain my roommate would have something to say about them.  OMG – Oh, and then I found what Target had labeled as “Bermuda shorts” but there were only about 2 inches longer than the Daisy Dukes!   UGH, another disgusted lip snarl. 

Guess I won’t be wearing shorts anytime soon.